I have been asked many times to define who I am and what it is I do. I've been asked to write about myself and my experiences as a Channel and Clairvoyant and how I got from there to here; wherever and whatever that may be. In truth what it boils down to is I am human.
I am a modern day woman - business woman, mother, done the single mom thing, overindulged, gained weight, lost weight, married and divorced more than once, contemplated suicide, seriously questioned whether there truly is a God, despised the cruelty and ignorance of humanity, felt incredible all encompassing unconditional love for humanity, cried buckets for no logical reason, broken the rules too many times to remember, abused and rejected myself too many times to mention, and often wondered what the purpose of my being here is all about.
I have wrestled my inner demons, hidden from and faced many of my fears head on, yet, some stubbornly elude me. I have failed and succeeded, hurt and been hurt, lied and been lied to, broken promises, and wasted way too much time on guilt, resentment and anger. I searched the depths of my soul and found it difficult to forgive, I placed unrealistic expectations on myself and others, resented being a mother at times, indulged in long self-pity sessions and have been straightforward bloody ungrateful at times.
I have wondered why others have it easier than me, and at times felt rage at what people expect of me because of the identity I created regarding what I represent and choose to stand for. I hid my authentic self so as to avoid judgment and criticism, and at other times blurted it out to the world and rolled with the punches. I haven't always listened to my intuition and experienced regret. I have felt overwhelmed and wanted to hide from the world. I haven't had all the answers, and haven't always put my best foot forward.
I have felt hurt when I'm gossiped about, and trusted too easily, I was sensitive and vulnerable but hid it beneath many layers of protective shields, swore too much, thought too hard, over analyzed to a point where it paralyzed me, expected the worst, took life too seriously, rebelliously rejected sound advise and wondered WTF am I missing and where is this going?!
Entering my 40's was liberating. I am now halfway through them and I am still a modern day woman - business woman and mother. I enjoy the freedom of my children visiting their father and giving me space, cheekily indulge in delicious treats, maintain the lost weight and found the man I am now able to commit to and love sincerely. My marriages and divorces showed me what to do differently this time around, occasionally I still contemplate suicide - but nah, I'm a sucker for punishment and I want to be here for my children so that I can return the torture someday :) Some days I know there is a God and other days I believe there is only a Goddess! :) I still get seriously pissed off by the cruelty and ignorance of humanity and cheer them on when humility and compassion are displayed. There is a healthy stock of buckets in my closet, cos sometimes nothing feels better than a good ol cry just because I can. I still break the rules, "abuse" myself in the gym and reject myself less, and at the tender young age of 45 I have come to accept that there is a purpose for me being here and that I will figure the rest out along the way.
I still wrestle my inner demons, sometimes hide from but eventually face my fears head on, yet, some still elude me, however they are fewer. I have chosen to see what I do as successful regardless of how I perceive it, and at times it's a successful failure! :)) There is no getting away from hurting and being hurt, breaking promises, and occasionally feeling guilt, resentment and anger. I continue to search the depths of my soul and still find it difficult at times to forgive, I occasionally place unrealistic expectations on myself and others, I have days I resent being a mother, don't like my children, but love and adore them and will kill to defend them - Goddess help anyone who messes with my kids! The long self-pity sessions have most certainly become less and I am less self-absorbed. I manage to maintain an attitude of gratitude, although sometimes I'm giving thanks for realizing I'm being bloody ungrateful.
I have wondered why others have it easier than me, but actually they don't, it's all relative. I still at times feel rage at what people expect of me because of the identity I have created regarding what I represent and choose to stand for, but what the hell, you can't please everyone all of the time, not even God gets that one right! I hide less of my authentic self and continue to roll with the punches. I don't always listen to my intuition and kick my own arse. I still get overwhelmed and want to hide from the world, and now I do. I laugh more at myself and don't take myself or life as seriously. I accept I won't ever have all the answers, and won't always put my best foot forward....hey, I'm human! :)
I still feel hurt when I'm gossiped about, don't trust easily, and perhaps more sensitive and vulnerable now than before because the protective layers are gone. I still swear too much at times, but it gets the message across so succinctly :), think too hard, over analyze to a point where it at times paralyzes me, sometimes expect the worst, occasionally rebelliously reject sound advise and wonder why I still choose to be so damn stubborn.
At the end of the day I am perfectly human, and will continue living as a human perfectly. I am on a path of self-discovery and self-empowerment, on my way to self-mastery. Trying never to make mistakes and be what everyone else wants me to be is a recipe for certain disaster and a one way ticket to insanity. My pathway and the treasures I have discovered along the way have made me who I am and equipped me with the "field" experience and master skills required to help others be perfectly human, cos I've been there and done that and have the full range of caps, mugs and T-shirts! At the end of the day I love people, yes they piss me off to no end at times, but my purpose is to serve by sharing my gifts and what I have learnt along the way. Some may think I don't fit the stereotypical mould of what my profession is and are horrified, offended or amused by it. Remember, I am perfectly human, as are you, and all stereotypes are actually BS. Break the mould and be the perfect you with me.
Lots of love,
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